Feeling down

The beginning of the year was not good. I have still been in state of not knowing for sure about my near future. Discussions and request about prolonging my stay were on the air, but no decisions and all decision making meetings were again and again postponed. In general I am very flexible, but not knowing of the country of residence within month has been too much insecurity even to me.


I have been little frustrated about certain management related things at work already during past year. In a way I do understand the grounds for the arrangements and stressful times lately, but also every now and then I feel that my loyalty and flexibility are taken as granted and I am not heard and am being walked over – over and over again. So, then when there finally was the big meeting and I heard actual real lies being told (if you do not know what are the facts, in my world you are supposed to say that you do not know, not to tell lies with poker face) and wrong things discussed in wrong forum, I really got mad. And even to continue, next day I hear planning and arrangements being done without me to know, against my earlier plans – plans I was supposed be responsible of as I am the project manager, plans I was requested to create but were totally ignored by requestors… That is the way I do not like things to be done.

I can understand changes to plans, I can understand hectic times, I can understand human errors, lot of things I can understand, but not conscious ignorance of communication, ignorance of listening, ignorance of sticking into what is agreed, ignorance of treating people fairly and with dignity – as human beings are to be treated. It is not the content of decision that makes me upset, but the way how they are done and executed. And the worse – to my attempt of telling about things I felt done wrongly, as a response I got arrogance. Again I found a new feature of me: I am very forgiving and eager to “make peace”, as long as it is fair. I can stand fair critiques to me, I can understand other people’s mistakes, as long as they are discussed openly and rightfully, admitted, handled and then they are bygones. But unfairness, ignorance, arrogance, blindness to one's own mistakes; that something that I seemingly cannot stand at all.

But after all, finally I got the decision I had been expecting; I got the “go home” date. The date is almost the same than according to earlier plans, and even I had expected it, a teenyweeny part inside had been hoping that I would get a three month extension. When turned out it did not happen, I of course was not happy. But, any decision makes the life easier. Now I know whether to plan dance classes (Etnofitness here I come!!) to Helsinki or language course to Wroclaw.

But not only feelings of low. On the eve of Epiphany I had the privilege to be invited to have a beer with my colleagues, and it turned out to be very enjoyable and interesting with surprising discussion topics :) They were changing from “Unknown Soldier” the movie into German tanks and to ancient Greeks and their opinions about pedofilia. I really did enjoy about good talks, new people, and especially people interested on things from wider approach!

Well, the more you get the more you are able to lose. So when thinking about that, especially from the next morning’s point of view with a slight feeling reminding of hangover (Polish vodka…), it made me even more sad to think not to be here anymore after a month :(



Waiting for a tram one morning. Even the smoke from chimneys on the back is feeling low